Support for Bernie Sanders Spikes as Instagram Update Furthe...

The Spin Zone | Nick Catherall | April 19, 2016 SATIRE

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Instagram recently adopted a new algorithm that will replace the chronological ordering of the user’s feed with an ordering that displays more popular posts and hides less popular ones. A righteous onslaught of millennial censure quickly ensued. Critics claim that the new algorithm privileges users with already robust follower bases and “likes-per-minute” (LPM) rates, and oppresses users whose bases and LPM are more modest, effectively hamstringing any upward mobility those users might have hoped for. But their collective woe is not without a champion. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has promised the disenfranchised Instagram users that he will not allow wealthier accounts to become “too big to fail.” “The system is rigged against us, now more than ever,” says Katie Farrow, an 18-year-old user who was recently un-followed by a former group-project partner from last semester. “Bernie Sanders is the only candidate prepared to take on the corporations and fight inequality.”

The affected parties have labeled Mark Zuckerberg, the founder and CEO of Facebook, Instagram’s parent company, “capitalist scum.” He is accused of using the charitable donation of 99 percent of his Facebook stock late last year as a ploy to distract the public from his grand plan to exacerbate inequality and bolster the status of the one percent for his own gain (Zuckerberg has 309k followers). To ensure an expedient end to the social injustice Zuckerberg is perpetuating, protestors have occupied a Whole Foods, which he and his wife, Priscilla Chan, depend on for their fresh and organic produce.

When reached for comment over FaceTime, Zuckerberg looked yellow and sickly and attributed his appearance to a lack of cold-pressed saffron, caviar and kale juice, which his go-to juicer filters through a rare strain of Icelandic moss. “I’m not even the CEO of Instagram,” implored Zuckerberg, with a manic look of desperation confounding his boyish face. “And only yesterday I was chased for three miles by a large man who must have been hired by Bernie Sanders to assassinate me. He kept screaming that his name was Killer Mike, before he collapsed into tears over the inaccessibility of American healthcare, allowing me to escape.”

Despite his effectiveness, the Sanders campaign has acknowledged that Killer Mike cannot feasibly chase every one of Bernie’s enemies. This comes as a sobering realization for the Vermont Senator, as it was his best solution to Hillary Clinton’s superdelegate advantage.

As Clinton continues to hone in on the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination, Sanders supporters have begun to acquiesce in talks of concessions. One supporter, Ryan Beck, disheveled and unwashed with bags under his eyes and a tattered “Feel the Bern” t-shirt, wonders, “If he’s not going to be president, can he at least be given a position on Instagram’s board of directors so he can fight against micro-marginalization behind enemy lines?” Beck claims to have created an Instagram account in attempt to garner national support for the initiative, but says that with Instagram’s new algorithm, he’s having trouble getting exposure.