Crafting a More Affordable College

Glenn McConnell confiscates student art for resale by CofC

Holy City Beat | Geoffrey Gill | March 23, 2016 SATIRE

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In a recent email to the student body at the College of Charleston, President Glenn McConnell announced an ambitious and unique plan to help raise revenue for the college. This plan, based on this year’s renewed intellectual property rights at the college, seeks to raise additional revenue through the use of popular online handmade items marketplace Etsy.

The new and somewhat controversial creativity policy, passed by the College of Charleston Board of Trustees in February of this year, regulates the usage of “intellectual property,” defined in the document as “property protectable by patent rights and copyrights, including machines, articles of manufacture, compositions of matter, … any method for making or using these and acts of authorship.”

Under this policy, the college may claim ownership and commercial responsibility over any intellectual property created by its students or faculty which utilizes any resources provided by the College of Charleston.

McConnell, following extensive consultation with the college’s legal team in the weeks following the approval of this intellectual property policy, has concluded that the policy is far more extensive in legal practice than the board initially concluded.

“College of Charleston is, first and foremost, a public university. This means that our academic and property ownership costs are subsidized by funds from the great Southern state of South Carolina,” McConnell states. The university president and his legal team have interpreted this to mean that the College is entitled to intellectual property rights over any works created by College of Charleston students or faculty not only on college grounds, but throughout the Charleston area and the state of South Carolina.

This interpretation has allowed McConnell to begin seizing creative works created by students for commercialization and resale for the benefit of the college. Thus far, his team has acquired and posted for sale several dozen hand painted “Live Laugh Love” signs and hundreds of personalized mountain weekend coolers.

These items, sold via McConnell’s personal Etsy account, all-g1rlz-d0rm-dec0r, are currently being sold to raise funds for the college. McConnell also plans to expand the sale of student creative products to the College of Charleston bookstore for physical goods and the iTunes store for music, podcasts, videos, and other digital creative formats. President McConnell has a long history in selling crafts and handmade goods, particularly the hand knitted confederate flags he uses for “decoration and memorial” throughout his home and office.

President McConnell’s Etsy shop profile picture
President McConnell’s Etsy shop profile picture

“The cost of attending college is at an all-time high, and the campus community is in favor of helping to reduce cost by any means necessary,” says President McConnell. “Considering that the students are willing to increase taxes on the American people to help lower the cost of college under the regime of a particular socialist candidate, I was sure that they would be willing and happy to donate their creativity to the cause as well.”

An increasing number of students on campus have been faced with lawyers, subpoenas, police search and seizure teams and- scariest of all- McConnell himself coming to seize their creative property for sale by the college.

We spoke with an anonymous source, a freshman who uses College of Charleston’s “cofc-secure” wireless internet network to transfer movie files through the internet while writing, filming, and editing independent films. McConnell and his legal team seized her latest short film upon its completion on grounds that use of the notoriously effective school wifi constitutes usage of college resources. Speaking on the confiscation, our source states, “[President McConnell] just unlocked the door of my dorm room and waltzed on in. He took the hard drive of my computer, condescendingly patted me on the head, mumbled some bullshit about ‘being thankful for my contributions to the campus,’ and showed himself out.” Her film is yet to appear for sale or viewing online, but McConnell has recently been reported applying for a Vimeo pro account and is known to own a vintage reel-to-reel film recorder to play his antique Civil War reenactment footage.

McConnell’s budget team believes that the “gracious creative donations of the student body” will save each student an average of $1.73 in tuition for the 2016-2017 school year, if each item is sold at the listed price.

This article is meant to be satirical in nature.